Every American News Report Ever

Are you a journalist in America feeling the pressure to meet deadlines? Don’t you wish there was a handy template out there that you could slightly alter to report 90% of the news stories that happen in your country? news-guyWell fear not. I have taken the time and effort so you don’t have to. The next time you are in a rush as a reporter just copy and paste the text below taking out the bits in brackets that don’t apply. This is valid until November 2016 at least.

breaking news.jpegBreaking News is coming from the town of (Insert Town name here) in the state of (Insert State name here) where a suspect believed to be a (Black/White) (man/woman) has attacked a (Mall/School/Church/Stadium/Bed Bath and Beyond) with what is thought to be a (Knife/ Chair Leg/pistol/shotgun/uzi/m16 assault rifle/military grade sniper rifle/bazooka/ background in karate skills after watching all of Steven Seagal’s movies). segalInformation is still coming through but it is thought up to (Insert number of people here) have been (Injured/killed).


(Optional paragraph for Republican Media: The number of casualties would have been higher if in weren’t for the quick thinking of civilians in the area who were carrying loaded fire arms. After a few stray bullets which caused more casualties, they eventually managed to hit the suspected target dead centre. The whole situation was contained thanks to hero american citizens who open carry. This highlights the need for more citizens to open carry and for emergency guns to be stuck to walls in public places similar to portable defibrillators)

It is believed the suspect was (someone who couldn’t get a girlfriend, even on tinder/ someone disillusioned with society today and felt like just another consumer for faceless franchises that keep the wider economy spinning and the gap between the 1% and the rest getting ever larger/an illegal immigrant who had been radicalised/ just a regular person who no one really noticed/someone who had been known to the FBI for several years/ someone thought to have a mental illness but couldn’t afford to get treatment/ someone who got really angry because no-one liked their selfies on Instagram/Facebook/Twitter).

gun-showAfter careful planning the suspect easily managed to purchase a firearm with ammo at (Walmart/Target/One of the many gun shops across america) and then proceeded to walk into the (Mall/School/Church/Stadium/Chuck E Cheese)and that was it…. planning over.

donald-trump-hairRepublican Presidential nominee Donald Trump said, (“You see folks? This is what happens when you don’t build a wall around our country”/ “Try my new ‘Trump Spaghetti’. I guarantee you that you have never tasted anything like it, it’s fantastic”)

hillary-1(Hilary Clinton/The Person Pulling the strings behind Hilary Clinton’s back) said (“It’s a lovely day in America”/ “I can’t comment until I know all the facts”/ “I can’t comment until I receive a word from Coco-Cola/Pfizer/Walmart/Saudi Arabia on what to say”)

President Barack Obama said, “Sorry guys, I tried to get slightly tougher gun control laws in to prevent this thing from happening in future but (republicans/filibusters/Fox news/ the NRA/people who can’t stand the sight of a black guy in the White House) took every possible measure to stop an objectively decent amendment being made to the American Constitution because they (have a personal issue with me/ think I’m the Anti-Christ/Love their guns/ think there is no point because we all have guns now).”

sad-barack-obama-photoThe outgoing President continued, “Anyway, I tried, while I’m really sad about this terrible thing that has happened I guess it’s not my problem anymore, good luck.”

TMZ said,”Who cares about any of this because (Kim Kardashian/ Beyonce/ Taylor Swift) have (got a new tattoo/ had a blazing public row/ breathed in/ released a new single that wasn’t as good as their stuff from 10 Years ago).”beyonceHollywood reporter said,”In other news Angelina Jolie has beaten Brad Pitt in their divorce settlement by 4 kids to 2. But secretly, Brad thinks he won because the kids he got are less annoying”

Meanwhile,the last few rational thinking people in America applied for visas to Canada. canadian-border

One thought on “Every American News Report Ever

  1. Pingback: Trump vs Clinton: 5 Thoughts on the US election – @BelfastandFurious

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